Last Updated on: 19th January 2023, 04:11 am
It is a common complaint of veteran long-term travellers everywhere. You return for a visit to your home town, excited to tell friends your tales of hiking the Camino de Santiago or the amazing oysters you sucked fresh from the sea in Cancale, France, and no one cares.
You expect your friends would be excited about how you witnessed the Abu Simbel Sun Festival in Egypt or rode a boat through the Beagle Channel in Patagonia but, although they may listen politely and nod their head while they resist the urge to look at their watch, you quickly realize, they would rather be talking about almost anything else.
I thought I was alone, but this is a rather common phenomenon, and there have been scientific studies that discovered why. It turns out; it isn’t (primarily) about jealousy; the problem is about context. Your adventures are unreliable.
Most people are simply more interested in talking about familiar things than they are curious about the new things that you want to introduce to the conversation. Yes, there is a social cost associated with leaving the herd and having unique experiences.
In their paper, “The Unforeseen Costs of Extraordinary Experience,” Harvard Psychologists Gus Cooney, Daniel T. Gilbert, and Timothy D. Wilson discuss how exceptional experiences make us both “alien and enviable.”
As the authors observed, “At worst, people may be envious and resentful of those who have had an extraordinary experience, and at best, they may find themselves with little to talk about.”
In an experiment, the researchers divided subjects into small groups. From those groups, one person was given a funny video of a street performer to watch alone, while the others were given a crappy video animation to watch together.
Before they watched the videos, the researchers told everyone which they were going to see: the entertaining street magician, or the crummy cartoon.
Immediately after watching their assigned footage, the participants were asked to rate how happy they felt at that moment.
Then the groups all reassembled and talked a bit before again being separated and asked two questions.
- How happy they felt now.
- How included they’d felt in the conversation with their peers.
At the risk of oversimplifying things, when everything was over, the folks that watched the good video of the street performer immediately felt happier, but after everyone had a chance to discuss their experiences, the group that had shared the collective experience of watching the inferior video together felt happier than those who watched the superior video but didn’t have the shared experience.
Eight years ago, when I retired, sold almost everything I owned and began traveling the world, I didn’t do it to escape or to separate myself from the things I loved. I did it because I wanted to add some experience and adventure to my life.
I wanted to move toward being my genuine self instead of continuing the cookie-cutter life that society had designed for me. However, it didn’t take long to find that moving toward new things in life inevitably moves you away from others. I wanted to share the things I discovered about the world and myself with my old friends, but I found that because there was no common thread to follow, not many were interested.
You met your old friends at a different place and in a different phase of your life. While there still may be affection, your interests and theirs – unless you continue to share common experiences – grow apart.
That doesn’t make your new experiences any more valuable than theirs, but it does mean that there is nothing to share or bond over. Nothing in common to discuss. Sure, trekking Tiger Leaping Gorge in China may be exciting for you, but apart from that time, you got lost or almost fell, your non-adventure seeking friends just won’t care. They can’t relate.
Even though there is social cost, you should still seek out and have extraordinary experiences.
If you want to be able to share your adventures with people that appreciate hearing about them, you need to find friends that enjoy participating in the same type of experiences.
That is why travelers tend to find each other and group together. They see tales of faraway places as aspirational instead of alien or uninteresting. They are capable of relating and can see themselves realistically emulating the experience. It is a human trait to be more interested in things you can relate to more than things that inspire.
So, let your hometown friends get all excited about the new chain restaurant opening or the road construction project that is almost finished; and if you can, try to share their excitement too.
But, if you want to bond over tales of walking the ruins of Machu Picchu with people that care, you need to find an audience that has relatable experiences. Because, ultimately, your non-travelling friends don’t care about your travels. To avoid frustration, share those memories with people that share the same interests and for your own personal growth.
See also:
- Taking a Leap of Faith
- The Things You Own End Up Owning You Essay
- Essentials Required for Retiring Overseas
- Non Financial Tricks For A Happy Retirement
- When Enough Is Enough
- The Good Enough Retirement
- Happy Retirement Wishes
- Life Is Either A Daring Adventure Or Nothing At All
Very interesting post:
I also remember being so disappointed when friends didn’t really want to hear about my adventure travels (starting in the late 1960s). I would return, bursting with enthusiasm about the wondrous people I met and places I went….and nothing. So for years I just didn’t talk about my travels at all, except to my nearest and dearest. Now I’m still traveling (in my 70s) and I have accepted that some people won’t respond—they just have different interests and experiences. Others will be thrilled–usually other travelers. It’s all good: I travel for myself (and I love to continue friendships with those I meet along the way, because we have so much in common.
Just started my first blog about travel and more at thebabybloomer.blog—I finally am beginning to share my travels again, and I think that there are more and more folks who share my passion.
Thanks Barbara! It is frustrating, but understandable, I guess. I just hope they understand when I don’t care about the newest fast-casual chain restaurant or local gossip they are so enthused about. It is sad, but people grow apart.
thank you for this post, yes, I often wondered why very few people were interested in my travels and just assumed that it was jealousy….so this was especially insightful to me….I find enough satisfaction in sharing my travels on social medial, those that want to hear/see my travels will look at it…that’s enough for me…I’m looking forward to resuming travelling soon!
This is so true, and something I also told employees to expect after they returned from an expatriation assignment. “You think it will be hard to MOVE to China? Wait until you come back and discover that NOBODY CARES!” Thanks for sharing this again Sarah!
This really hit home with me. A few years ago, my husband had the opportunity to go to Australia for work for a month, so we took the kids out of school and all four of us went, AND we tagged on a week in New Zealand since we were in that part of the world. We had an absolutely incredible experience, and I came home so thrilled to tell my parents and siblings about it…and no one cared. Only my brother-in-law looked at my pictures. I was actually really hurt. This helps explain it.
It does hurt. You expect friends and family to take an interest in what are, to you, some of the most extraordinary experiences in your life. Most don’t. However, there are people out there who do. You just have to find them.
By the way, I love visiting Australia! (Where did you go?) It is so cool that you took your kids there. Foreign travel is an education like no other.
Hi Jonathan! I completely agree. No matter how amazing we think our adventures are–unless people can relate they won’t be that excited about them. My husband and I enjoy taking tons of photos of our travels. But rather than torture our friends back home with our travels, I usually make a slide show of the videos and throw a theme party….last year it was Vietnam and Cambodia and had everyone bring a dish from that region. We had the video slideshow looping in the background and while a few people sat and watched, most just ate and talked. I think that approach has worked the best for us…as you say, either people enjoy the travel and adventure or they are homebodies! Good reminder. ~Kathy
I love traveling, but totally understand not wanting to hear endless details, leaf through scrapbooks, or (shudder) see many photos of other’s trips. Remember your uncle who insisted on showing slides of his travels at family gatherings? On and on to a captive audience while everyone looked for an escape hatch? That wasn’t interesting, nor did it render him interesting. Hearing tidbits is inspiring to plant seeds of wanderlust and perhaps learn how to make this happen for oneself…a full reliving of everything others experienced–not so much. It’s akin to the co-worker who wants to tell the entire plot of last night’s sitcom, describe in detail every aspect of his latest restaurant meal, or relay the entire contents of the book he just read. Nobody wants to hear that–not even your bookclub. Those who care about you are genuinely delighted you travelled, know how wonderful and enriching that experience is and want that for you because they love you–they would love to hear about your one or two favorite adventures per trip, the most interesting person you met, food you ate, or what you’re doing next. I personally love to see a (few) excellent photos each day or two sent by email or posted on social media, to share small doses of your adventures as your trip proceeds. But please, don’t post 100. Ultimately, travel adventures are personal and our memories of our trips so satisfying to ourselves and those we travelled with. That’s enough for me.
I agree. It is about context. Admittedly I find myself guilty of the same thing. It is hard to get excited about the food at the new chain restaurant in your hometown unless you have, or may, experience it yourself. Just like I couldn’t get anyone back home to understand why I love Burmese Tea Leaf Salad.
Great info, thanks so much for this post. I think it applies to several other areas ( like diet and health issues) as well. You’ve helped remind me to be cognizant of how to engage my loved ones in various conversation s. Keep up your happy travels! ?
Thanks Cheryl!
Nail. Head. Much more eloquent – and without swear words – than the thoughts running through my head about this exact subject after living overseas 11 years and recently returning to the US to reverse culture shock that I can’t talk about to anyone.
Thanks Jonathan – a great explanation that answers a lot of questions. I travel by house & pet sitting and I realise that this does bring some ‘normality’ to my travels that people are interested in, rather than the trek up a mountain in some far distant country. Keep up the good work.
I think you’re right Jonathan in that people simply cannot relate but with some I’m sure it’s the good old-fashioned jealousy thing. Another aspect some might try to raise is this business of you having ‘changed’ since you’ve been away which might even be a natural in-built defense mechanism under which they feel excused from discussing things any further. Of course we haven’t really changed at all but their perception of us sadly has.
I grew up in a very small town & this is so relatable. More often than not, these days I feel like an outsider in a place I consider home. I really want to share this on Facebook, but I can’t figure out how. Could you point me in the right direction, please?
Absolutely spot on. It took me a long time to understand why friends and family barely tolerated even a few minutes of pictures! Over the years, I’ve taken the approach of weaving other topics into travel stories, like local environmental and social justice issues, or spiritual insights that occurred during travel, and written about them on a blog at https://puma-diaries.com/ It’s helped have at least a few more people relate to my travel experiences….but it never seemed enough. In the end, accepting what happens on travel as individual growth and personal satisfaction that doesn’t require outside validation has quieted my mind on this reality. When sharing does happen with like-minded folks, it’s a gift!
I understand it, but it still hurts. You are enthusiastic about so many things that people share that have no relevance to your life, but non-travelers rarely care or even know how to reciprocate.
Oh my! This really hits home. I gerlt why people don’t want to listen to endless travelling stories. It makes sense that they can’t relate. What totally bugs me is how the same people feel its ok to show me 2000 photos of their week away, & bring their kids into every conversation. These are things I can’t relate to – but somehow I’m supposed to smile & feign interest? Its the double standard I get annoyed by more than anything else!
The trick is finding people with the same interests. I have quit trying to summon up enthusiasm over things from my past life. We need people who can relate to our present!
I love your explanation of why people don’t bother as they cannot relate. One thing that worked for me – bring food home! everyone can share that amazing bottle of Chilean wine, the wasabi flavoured almonds, or those crunchy fried insects…
Before I did some research, I had always been a little offended that people didn’t share my enthusiasm for travel. I tried to stay interested in their happenings, but to be honest, it was more out of politeness. Finding your tribe is important!
Nobody back home cares! It is hard to deal with but as travellers we have to realise that our travels change us. I find that our world view is no longer similar to those who stayed home, especially my older friends whose world view seems to narrow as they get older. But that is the price that we pay for exploring the world. 🙂
Hi. I just came to this thread after reading the blogs about minimalism. If I understood them correctly the idea is don’t be encumbered by stuff so one can actually experience life more directly without distractions and expectations. This thread seems to be almost a different world: needing to talk about what one has done and the places one has been. I imagine that’s quite difficult to do without irritating them but also I don’t understand how the 2 things are compatible. If one has shuttled off the shackles of stuff and expectations to live a more direct life then surely wanting other people to appreciate it is to a certain extent replacing one set of distractions with another. To a certain extent the experience is being lived not directly but partly for the photograph and other people’s opinion. What do you think?
Hey Sam,
It is difficult to disagree with your logic. However, being human, I find it troubling when, not only do some family and friends not share your passions, having positive experiences can sometimes build barriers. The Buddhist in me says don’t be bothered, but as social animals we all want to be able to share our experiences with people that care about us. One of the things I have found by living life differently is that, sometimes, you need to find new tribes. Obviously I don’t have all the answers, and may at times suffer from a bit of hypocrisy or cognitive dissonance, but while I search for answers, I am loving the ride. Thanks for your response.
I not only left a corporate job to go traveling … now we incorporate volunteering through Workaway into the mix. Staying in less than stellar accommodation, and dealing with 3rd world problems, is challenging for us to do at time, but it’s also a journey of discovery that makes us appreciate that we have a choice in what do.
There’s only a couple of friends who listen with baited breath at our horror stories and triumphs … the rest, just can’t even fathom why we’d want to have these experiences at this time in our lives. I love it because it gets us out of our comfort zone, but it seems to push our friends out of their comfort zone… and they’re not willing or able to venture that far to embrace what we’re doing, and show an interest. After reading this … it makes sense that we’ve left the herd, meanwhile they’re circling the wagons to protect the community environment that is familiar to them.
This really helps explain a lot for me. Thank you. My parents are quite the homebodies. Both in their late seventies, they have lived in the same small city their entire lives. They have done some travel in the US and one or two foreign countries, but they haven’t done much traveling in their lives compared to a lot of people. They have not shown any great desire to travel extensively even during their retirement, though they have enough money to do so. I still live in the same state as they do, but I live in a large city a few hours away. Growing up, I always wanted to live in a bigger, more exciting city that offered more options for career and play. I have traveled more than they have, and plan to travel even more. They look at me as though I live some exotic lifestyle in a different country just because it’s not the same place they know like the back of their hand for 70+ years. I still go to my childhood “hometown” to visit them a few times during the year and they will come to visit me and my spouse as well. But they are always ready to rush home quickly to get back into their retirement routine, which doesn’t seem that exciting to me (bridge club, church, grocery store trips, golf 1X per week, watch TV, take naps). They have never really showed a great interest in hearing the stories about my fun trip adventures or hearing much about my friends and daily life details where I live. It’s challenging to have a long phone conversation with them as I feel I am the one who shoulders the responsibility of keeping the conversation moving along. It’s somewhat easier to discuss things in person face to face, but it’s still challenging at times to find common interests to talk about since their world view is quite limited, in my opinion.
Example: They live in a small coastal city. Once when I recalled a trip of mine to Hawaii and how beautiful the mountains, volcanoes, tropical plants and everything was, my mother commented (they had been to Hawaii once) that she had no desire to ever go back to Hawaii because their town had everything that Hawaii does, and she wasn’t impressed. That was so laughable to me because there is little comparison in the two places and Hawaii is so much more impressive. (Yes, their town has beaches and tropical plants like Hawaii, but no volcanoes and mountains or native Hawaiian people, or world class surfing.) Anyway, she shut that conversation down since we obviously didn’t share the same appreciation for Hawaii.